The One Question, And Practice, to Change Your Life For the Better

This post is a companion to Episode 22 of the Radical Redirection Podcast: “The One Question, And Practice, to Change Your Life For the Better.” If you want to go deeper, listen to the full episode below or wherever you get your podcasts.

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What Do I Actually Want in Life?

I didn't start asking myself this question until I was twenty-five.

Growing up, there were “right” answers and “wrong” answers to the question of what you want in life. If you said the wrong one, someone would tilt their head and go, "Hmm. Are you sure? You might want to reconsider." And the approved answers — the sensible ones — didn't exactly match what I actually wanted. And honestly? I spent so long just trying to survive into adulthood that I never stopped to ask.

Watching the adults around me growing up, I absorbed a quiet but devastating message: it's not about what you want. It's about doing what you have to do. I dreaded adulthood from kindergarten. I could already see it — doing things you don't want to do, every single day, because that's just what adults do.

So at twenty-five, when I finally felt stable enough to look past survival — past just adulting and doing what's right — I asked myself that question for the first time.

And once I started asking, I never stopped.

Why Most Women Never Ask This Question

Real talk: most women I know put themselves last. Not because they want to, but because it's been conditioned into us for generations. We make sure our partner has what they need, the kids have eaten, the coworkers are content. We'll check in on everyone else before we ever ask our own body: What do I need right now?

This is systemic. It’s generational. (One day I’ll write a book about this, I’m so passionate about this subject…) If prioritizing yourself feels impossibly hard, it's because for our grandmothers (many of our mothers), and the women before them, it wasn't safe. You're not broken, and there's no shame in this. But it is something to recognize — because you can't redirect a life you haven't allowed yourself to honestly examine.

Have you been neglecting your own desires? Have you been forgetting to even ask yourself what you might be wanting?

And by the way: it is not selfish to prioritize what you want.

That thought (that your desires are selfish) is a learned pattern. Part of the same conditioning.

I can prove to you that your desires for yourself are NOT selfish. Women are biologically hardwired to want to help, to give, to contribute. So when you prioritize what lights you up, what makes you healthier and happier and more alive, that energy flows outward, to everyone else around you. This makes the pursuit of your desires one of the most generous things you can do for the world.

The Quiet Sacrifice We don’t Talk About

“But wouldn’t it be selfish to put yourself first if you have kids?”

No.

I've talked to so many mothers who, as soon as they get pregnant — sometimes even before — put what they want on the back burner and start designing their entire life around what their child might need. Before the child is even there. Before they even know what the child would need.

Women who moved to a different state and ended up miserable. Who bought property in a "good school district" and couldn't shake the feeling that something was deeply wrong. Who made enormous, life-altering decisions guided not by what they wanted, but by what they thought someone else would hypothetically want. And when I ask them about it, they say things like: "Well, it's good for the kids. We thought it would be better this way. Oh, I'm fine. It's okay."

But I can hear it in their voices. I can see it in their eyes. These women are sacrificing their happiness — their desires, their day-to-day joy — for a logical projection of what someone else might need. And the painful part? The kids never asked for any of it. This was the parents' idea of what should be right.

I'm not saying this to shame anyone. I'm saying it because I see it everywhere, and it matters. We are so conditioned to make ourselves the afterthought that we do it automatically, without even realizing a sacrifice is happening until years later, when the resentment surfaces and we can't explain where it came from.

The Plan That Looked Perfect on Paper

My husband and I actually almost did it ourselves!

In 2021, when I left my job to build my businesses and my husband went remote, we had what felt like a perfect plan. We'd move to Charlotte, North Carolina — close to family, safe neighborhoods, good schools, affordable homes. Everything a responsible adult is supposed to want. And we executed that plan.

A few months in, something felt deeply off. We kept asking ourselves why we were unhappy when everything looked right on the outside. The answer, when we finally got honest: we had designed our entire plan around hypothetical needs. Needs of kids who weren't even here yet. We didn’t even ask ourselves what WE wanted — and put someone else's projected preferences in the driver's seat.

Has that happened to you? A major life decision — a move, a career pivot, a sacrifice — made not from your own desires, but from what you thought someone else would need? For kids, for a partner, for aging parents, for your company? Sometimes for the imagined approval of parents you haven't lived with in decades?

Luckily, the Universe intervened for us. The house in Charlotte didn’t happen. Life in Charlotte didn’t happen. Kids weren’t coming our way. And we started asking: what do we actually want? Our lives got dramatically happier once we let that be the guiding question.

Ask, And Never Stop Asking

Here's what I got wrong at twenty-five. I thought asking "what do I want?" was a one-time thing. You ask it, find your answer, execute, and arrive at happiness.

Well, I was sorely disappointed!

See, you change. Your vision changes. Your life changes. What felt 100% right at twenty-five might need a serious update at thirty.

The question is not a one-time awakening. It's a practice. Ask it daily if you want. Ask it seasonally. Ask it every time you feel a creeping sense that something is off — because that feeling is data. Any negative emotion, anything below your baseline of contentment, is an invitation to look inward and redirect.

I am always guided by how I'm feeling: how I feel about my life, my work, myself, where I'm going. If my work starts feeling like a drag. If I start feeling constricted. Those signals tell me something needs to shift. I don't ignore them and push through. I ask: What needs to change?

Start with The Feeling, Then Design Backwards

When I ask myself "what do I want in life?" I'm not making a list of things to acquire. I'm asking: How do I want to feel?

Right now, with a move, a babymoon, and art markets on the horizon, I'm looking three to five months out. And when I feel into that question (How do I want to go through life in that season?) what comes up is: creative. Spacious. Full of time for myself, for my baby, for painting and writing and long days outdoors. That's my compass.

From that feeling, I work backwards. What needs to be in place to create that spaciousness? What projects get reevaluated? What commitments need a “no?” What do I need to build now so that future-me has exactly the life she's dreaming of?

Feelings first. Logistics second. Most people do this backwards — they plan the tangible steps and then wonder why the destination doesn't feel good when they arrive. Start with the feeling. The steps will follow.

The Simple But Powerful Journaling Practice

(This works really well if you take yourself somewhere new: a trail, a park, a coffee shop you've never been to. New environments help your brain open up.)

Ask yourself:

What do I want in life right now?
What do I want my life to look like a year from now?
How do I want to feel 3-6 months from now?
What desires have been waiting for me to finally notice them?

Let what comes up, come up. If nothing surfaces right away, that's okay. Your brain is used to its usual daily routine. Try again tomorrow. Try it somewhere different. Give it time.

And if resentment shows up alongside your desires — notice that too. It usually means you've been sacrificing for a long time. Don't push it away. It's information. Let it point you toward what's needed.

Don't worry yet about how you'll make it happen. The tangible steps will come. Your brain, once it has the desire clearly in view, will start generating solutions on its own. For now, just let yourself want things.

The Dance Never Ends (and That's the Point)

This practice, when you do it regularly (whether daily, weekly, monthly, quarterly, or whenever you rememeber it) becomes a rhythm. You move through life in a constant dance — responding to your own needs and desires, responding to what life throws your way, adjusting and redirecting as you go. You don't let outdated goals rule you and dictate where to go. You are steering your life.

When you allow yourself to change, to evolve, to redirect as your desires evolve — you grow faster. You feel more in alignment. Things flow. And when something feels off, you don't spiral. You ask the question again. You course-correct. The dance goes on.

My husband and I do this together on walks and dates. "What do we actually want right now? What do you envision for us a year from now?" It never stops being exciting. It never stops being clarifying. There is something deeply alive about giving yourself permission to dream on a regular basis.

You have infinite agency here. You always have. The question is just whether you're using it. Start today. Open a journal. Find a quiet moment. Ask yourself what you want — not what makes sense, not what's responsible, not what someone else needs from you.

What do you want in life?

—So much love,
Kat

If you’re craving a gentle life reset, where you ease the stress & pressure in your life, get your energy back, and actually find time and space for you, I invite you to do a 90-minute call with me. Self care meets strategy meets ease. Let’s do it!