The Invisible Workload of Women (And How to Put It Down)

This post is a summarized companion to Episode 24 of the Radical Redirection Podcast: “The Invisible Workload of Women (And How to Put It Down).” If you want to go deeper, listen to the full episode below or wherever you get your podcasts.

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Am I Just Crazy?

Last week I recorded an episode about how to create better conditions in our lives to allow for more focus, more uninterrupted meaningful work, and have more space for rest. (Ep 23)

The episode was inspired by my adamant rage at learning that Albert Einstein, the famous and celebrated physicist, treated his first wife as a servant and his second as a secretary while continuing to cheat with other women. Meanwhile, the wives, who had dreams and aspirations of their own, never got to pursue them because they were too busy making sure Albert can pursue his (ugh).

The reason he was as prolific as he was is because he had women managing his entire life so that he wouldn’t have to.

And it made me wonder how many women throughout history were just as smart, just as talented, just as capable of changing the world — and never got the chance, because they were too busy doing the dishes. Too busy raising the kids. Too busy maintaining the household. Too busy being an assistant to someone else’s dream.

And I remember thinking: “thank GOODNESS things are better for women now.”

Right?

Women have equal opportunities now to explore their genius and make an impact in the world, right?

Well, the day I recorded that episode, I had two different conversations with two different female friends, both of which showed me that it’s not all peachy now.

One friend was building an entire project tracking system at work just so her boss could see how much she was actually doing (and stop piling things onto her plate that she doesn’t have time to deal with and is way overqualified to deal with). The other was watching her ideas get dismissed in meetings, only to hear them come back through other people’s mouths (men’s mouths) as brilliant.

And both of them, at some point, asked some version of the same quiet question:

Am I crazy? Is it unreasonable of me to want better?

On the very same day, twice, I got to see how prevalent this still is. Even in healthy relationships. Even with kind, compassionate, conscious men. Even with bosses who want to be allies and see themselves as feminists.

So let’s talk about it. In Episode 23, we talked about how to build supportive structures in modern life that protect your time and your creativity. Today we go one layer deeper. Because for women, all of this is still harder. And there is a reason.

First, this is not a stance against men

Before I go any further, I want to be really clear. I am genuinely against blanket statements that vilify all men. Most of the men in my life, and probably in yours, too, are kind, compassionate, supportive, pro-feminism. They want to be on our side. They want to help.

So why does this keep happening?

It is not about bad men. It is about subconscious patterns:biological wiring AND generational conditioning that has shaped both men’s and women’s brains in different ways. Neither one of us is the villain here. We are all just defaulting to an autopilot that doesn’t serve us.

The men aren’t the bad guys. And neither are we. We’re all just running an old program.

Also, important to mention before we go further:

This episode is written primarily for women, specifically women who are navigating relationships, workplaces, and dynamics where they feel unseen, overextended, or unequally treated. That said, if you don't identify as a woman and this resonates with you, you are absolutely welcome here. And if you identify as a man, honestly - thank you for being here. We need you in this conversation too.

How our brains are actually wired

Here is the core difference. Due to both biological differences AND generational conditioning (a history of men, like Einstein, relying on others to take care of their home life), men’s brains are wired to protect their focus. And, as much as we, women, WANT to prioritize our focus, our brains are wired to prioritize caring for the community (and are actually better at multitasking than men’s brains).

For generations, [wealthy] men had wives, servants, cooks, maids, butlers — whole teams of people whose entire job was maintaining the structure of life so he could do his work. This is not ancient history. Even just a few decades ago, women were expected to manage the household so that men could have uninterrupted work time, rest time, TV time, time with friends, etc.

We have come a long way. But the subconscious pattern stays.

Note: NOT a pattern of expecting women to take care of him! No. A pattern of prioritizing his focus over everything else.

So even a kind, conscious modern man tends to prioritize his work and his rest, and wait to get to everything else later (it’s less important in his subconscious mind). And even a modern woman, who deeply wants uninterrupted time for herself, finds her brain butting in and interrupting her focus:

But have we done this?
Does so-and-so have everything they need?
Is Kathy doing okay? I should check on Dan…
How are the kids?
Did I empty the dishwasher?

It is not that we don’t want to focus on ourselves. It is that in our minds, everything else takes first priority. Most of the time, we don’t even notice this.

So we get women who feel extreme decision fatigue, have no time for themselves, feel trapped in an endless hamster wheel, resentful, and like they have to do more work just to be seen. And we get men who don’t even realize this is happening — men who would gladly help, who would gladly collaborate, but who simply cannot see what we’re carrying!

Do you see how this is nobody’s fault? How it’s just our brains defaulting to a mode that perpetuates patterns we don’t like?

This is the subconscious problem we are working with. So, what do we actually do about it?

4 Things that Even Out The Playing Field

Before recording this episode, I went on a walk with my husband Matt and asked him to help me think: how come he and I don’t experience this in our lives? What ideas should I give to my female listeners, who want to ease their mental load, stop doing all this extra work, and have the men in their lives (both at work and at home) understand what they’re going through?

I asked Matt because he has been the most conscious, loving, understanding man in my personal life, and the two of us have been studying healthy communication and masculine/feminine dynamics for as long as we’ve been together. His ideas matched mine almost exactly, and he added a few I hadn’t thought of.

Here is what we came up with.

1. Communication, Communication, Communication

Matt and I got married right before the pandemic, which meant our first two years of marriage were spent entirely at home together. The lines between work, chores, and personal projects got blurry. We defaulted hard to all of the patterns I just described — him deep in focus all day, me cleaning and tidying and managing before I let myself sit down to do my own work.

But at the end of those days, we talked about it. I would share that I didn’t feel like I’d gotten anything done. He would ask how he could help next time. Sometimes he would gently point out that I had given my own time away to things that weren’t urgent, and that I had it within my power to give myself a three-hour focus chunk and chose not to.

Healthy communication looks like this: you share what you are experiencing, what is true for you, what you are observing, how you are feeling. Without blame, without loaded emotions. Then you ask the other person to help you come up with a solution.

It is the number one preventative measure against tension, resentment, and misunderstanding. Done early and clearly, it saves you so much heartache, and really strengthens your relationship.

2. Protect Your Focus Unapologetically

Funny, this one is from Matt, and not from me, because I still have trouble with this one, too!

If things keep piling on your plate, and the men around you aren’t noticing, you have to push back. And the way you push back should reinforce how you want them to see you. Your role, your qualifications, your value. WHO you are around here.

If your boss keeps assigning you things outside your job description, pushing back sounds like: Sure, I can do that, but then I won’t have time to do the actual thing my job title says I do. Which do you want? (Maybe not in these words, but you get it!) You are reminding them of your position and the fact that your time is not infinite. If they ask for one thing, something else has to go.

If saying “no” feels daunting, pre-plan it. Decide in advance what you are saying “no” to this week, whether at work or at home. I am not going to worry about X. I am going to use Tuesday night to actually rest instead of doing chores. I am going to wait until next week to deal with Y, so that this week I can have uninterrupted work time. Pre-plan the no, then protect your focus unapologetically.

3. Turn Self-Doubt Into Self-Assurance

This is where it gets internal. The moment we start pushing back, the doubtful thoughts creep in. Am I being unreasonable? Was that too much? Was that harsh? What woman has not felt like she was too much when she was being perfectly fine and reasonable — and would never have thought that about herself if she were a man? (Sigh..)

A big part of all of this is not backing down. It is seeing yourself as worthy, deserving, equally talented, equally valuable. Seeing your time as equally valuable and not stretchy. And — this one is for me as much as for you — not seeing yourself as the only person in the room who can catch what falls through the cracks.

I used to think being the one who caught everything made me indispensable. The good leader, the responsible one. Actually, what I had done was train everyone around me to be overly reliant on me, give myself way more to do, and slowly turn into an exhausted martyr.

Don’t put yourself in the position of the manager unless that is literally your job. Don’t put yourself in the position of the assistant, even when it feels like you’re helping. Engage the whole team. Engage the whole family. The little things that no one else wants to do are everyone’s responsibility, not yours by default.

And when the doubtful thoughts creep in, flip them. “No, this is the healthy new way, and I deserve it.”

**4. It’s not you against him. It’s you and him against the problem.**

This one applies to all of the above. In most of these situations (with kind, supportive, reasonable, compassionate men) it is not you against him. It is you and him against the pattern.

Communicate clearly and without blame. This is what’s happening. This is how I’m feeling. This is what I’m experiencing. Don’t blame him. Help him see your perspective. Recruit him onto your side.

Matt’s family has always asked, about any problem: How can we solve this together? I want you to feel that with the men in your life. It is not you against men. That feels daunting and impossible. It is not you against your partner, that just feels awful. It is not you against your boss or your coworker.

It’s not a fight. It’s a collaboration.

It is you AND the supportive men around you, against this ingrained generational pattern. And when you frame it that way, you’ll often find these men actually do want to help. They are open-minded. They want to see you happy. They want to see you thrive. They just couldn’t see what was happening under the surface.

My Vision For The New Earth

Yes, these are extra steps, and I ALSO wish they weren’t necessary. But over time, as you practice them, they stop feeling like extra work and start feeling like a natural way of life. A new pattern. And with that new pattern comes more respect, more free time, more space — the things we wanted in the first place.

You also change the paradigm of everyone around you. The men become better allies when they understand what’s happening. The women around you watch you and think, oh, that’s possible. I can do that too. You become a shining beacon for what life and work can look like.

We started this conversation last week by thinking about all the women throughout history who never got the chance to do their meaningful work: who were too smart, too talented, too full of potential, and too buried in someone else’s chores. I want to bring this full circle.

My vision for the new Earth is everyone, every human, getting the chance to do what they came here to do. To create. To build. To help. To make things. To shine in their unique gifts. That, to me, is the ultimate equality. Not just women getting a seat at the table. Everyone getting the time, the space, and the support to express what is inside of them.

Voice your experience and your truth. Change the pattern. You deserve the time and the space and the focus to do what you came here to do.

—So much love,
Kat

If you’re craving a gentle life reset, where you ease the stress & pressure in your life, get your energy back, and actually find time and space for you, I invite you to do a 90-minute call with me. Self care meets strategy meets ease. Let’s do it!