Tune in to this episode on Spotify or Apple Podcasts

~ episode SUMMARY ~

If we want to achieve big goals, what’s the very first thing we should do?

Hint: it’s actually NOT setting goals.

In this episode, I share my take on “reinventing yourself” and why it’s a prerequisite for making big shifts in life.

You’ll learn which “old stories” no longer apply to you, what beliefs can freely shed, and what aspects of your identity were actually created by other people (and not you).

It can be fun and exhilarating to knock down the “protective” walls around your true essence, the hidden parts that yearn to shine and do amazing things!

Plus: Why is it SO hard to make big life changes, and what can make it easier and smoother?

BONUS (after listening to the episode):

Journal prompts for de-conditioning, reinventing yourself, and letting go of old beliefs (do the ones that grab your attention):

What’s something you love, but don’t get to do/enjoy often?
What were you told or taught by your parents/family growing up, that you don’t agree with? If you were your own parent, what would you have said/done differently?
What did you hear from your peers or friends in school that made you feel small or “lesser than” them?
What was “expected” of you growing up?
What do you expect of yourself now? What are your “high standards” for yourself now? (And are they unreasonable or outdated?)
What’s something that other people consider normal, expected, or desirable, that you don’t want at all? (Such as designer clothes, social drinking, owning a house, having kids, etc.)
What would you say is “true about the world?” What’s reality like, according to you? Write out any statements that come to mind (such as: “life is full of struggle,” or “money is hard to come by,” or “people are inherently untrustworthy” - or the opposites of these, whatever you see as the truth!) Now, identify and cross out the beliefs that you don’t like. Know, in your heart, that you can change these “truths” to be something different and better.
What outdated beliefs no longer serve your highest good?
What phrases or thoughts often cross your mind, but have the effect of holding you back?

~ episode transcript ~

I can’t tell you if you need to change. You’re the one that decides that. But I CAN tell you what it feels like if you need a major life change.

And it feels like something is off. Not right. Not ideal. Not great. And it’s a spectrum - maybe it’s that, your life is pretty good, but late at night, when you’re alone with your thoughts, you’re not satisfied, and you want more - what? I don’t know, but MORE. Something else, not this, not what I currently have. Or maybe it’s that you’re already in a crisis, a crisis of identity, a crisis of faith, a career crisis - maybe even a rock bottom, where it feels like you can’t stay here any longer.

And maybe it’s somewhere in-between. A stable, secure life on paper, but no excitement. Or “living your dream,” the dream you’ve always had, but somehow anxious, stressed out, and still longing for something else. Or: super busy with so many awesome things, but.. restless, and when you do stop, you can’t help but think: is this all that my life’s going to be?

If you’re anywhere on that spectrum of emotions, if you’re even mildly dissatisfied with your life - this podcast is for you.

And, if any of that is true for you, that’s what it feels like when you NEED a big pivot. A major life change. A redirection.

So! Welcome to episode 3 of Radical Redirection. In the first two episodes, I talked about what a radical redirection is, who might need one, how it can help avoid a midlife crisis, and how to begin finding the meaning and purpose of your life. And today we’ll talk about why it’s so hard to make big life changes. And - what’s the first thing to do. The very first thing.

I promised that this podcast is all about the concrete actions: what to do, step by step, in order to find meaning, deep fulfillment, and your true path.

But before we get into the steps, it’s important to do some prep first. In this episode, and in the next two as well, we’re going to do the preliminary work that’s necessary to set you up for success with the steps of Radical Redirection. You can view this prep work as the warmup before a marathon. It’ll make the rest of the process way easier and smoother.

I’m going to start by sharing a secret. The secret to why it’s so hard to make big life changes.

It’s not because you don’t know how. It’s actually not in the steps. The HOW, the steps, we can learn that. Research, read, listen, talk to others - we can always learn the HOW, for just about anything we want to change.

The reason it’s so hard to make big life changes is because: in order to live differently, you have to be a different person. You have to be the version of you that already lives differently.

In other words, if you know you want to make a big pivot, like a career change, or show up in a new way with a new partner, or improve your health, but every time you think about it, it’s like, “ugh, I just don’t know where to start! I don’t know how to go about it, don’t know what to do, or.. where to begin, or.. can I even do it?” - The REASON it feels that way is because the big pivot requires you to be a different person. The person who already has.. what it is you want.

If you think about it, people who have the hardest time changing are the people who, as the saying goes, “are set in their ways.” Being “set in your ways” is basically wanting to stay the same, and not changing who you are. It’s not good or bad, it just is. Someone who’s set in their ways doesn’t want to change who they are, simple as that. And perhaps they’re truly happy with that. That’s their right.

But right here and now, in this podcast, I’m speaking to those who want MORE. Who know they can have more, who know they can BE more, and who, openly or secretly, have big aspirations, goals, and dreams.

So before we go taking steps towards our dreams, it’s first necessary to change ourselves, on the inside. In other words: reinvent ourselves. Or at least start reinventing ourselves. Become the type of person who CAN make your dream a reality.

Okay, what? Stay with me. This might seem intimidating, like, reinvent myself? Waaaah! But tell your brain, “thank you for your concern and doubt, but we’re going to entertain this thought for just a while longer.” Reinventing yourself is EXACTLY the step that most people miss when they have ambitious goals and try to make big life changes.

And it doesn’t have to be scary. It can be a fun and smooth process. But how?

Because we’re not actually becoming someone else. You’re becoming an evolved version of you. Like a Pokemon. The inner core stays the same, but the power and potential increase dramatically! So that you can accomplish bigger things. AND, by evolving, you’re also getting closer to your authentic self. And when we start being more ourselves in day to day life, it feels really GOOD and rewarding.

So that’s part 1 of reinventing yourself: evolving. Part 2 is de-conditioning. In this episode, I’ll explain both. You know, it may be hard to believe right now, but you already have ALL the power you need to live out your dreams. Everything you need is already within you, it’s been there all along, since you were born - and your job is simply to uncover it, re-discover it, dig it up from underneath layers that are NOT us, and believe in it. I call that whole process - de-conditioning.

SO! To summarize so far: The key to making huge life changes is becoming the person who makes such changes. The version of you who makes huge life changes, is the version who lives out your wildest dreams and biggest goals. If you’re willing and ready, let’s begin the process of de-conditioning and evolving to become that version of you, right now. And that begins with letting go of old stories and beliefs that aren’t helpful anymore.

So let’s go.

A pottery project begins as a lump of clay. You can shape it to be whatever you want. If you don’t like how it turned out, you can just smoosh it and start over.

The process of creation often has an element of destruction in it.

New things are born out of repurposed things. New stars are created out of the same atoms that made up stars that are long dead. Everything in the world is recycled. All the atoms that make up everything we know are in a constant process of endless transformation.

It’s the same with us. And not just on a physical level, although it is somewhat poetic that we get a totally new set of cells every 7 or so years. It’s the same with our subconscious. Our thoughts, beliefs, emotions, tendencies, habits, fears, preferences.

Our subconscious is similar to a lump of clay. When we’re just born, our brain is firing on all cylinders, making new neural connections ALL DAY, trying to figure out everything, from how to move your arms to how to make different sounds to, ow, if I scratch myself, it hurts, so I shouldn’t do that.

Throughout our childhood, our entire life experience, every event that happens, every outer stimulus, helps shape the neural connections in our brains. The lump of clay is gradually formed into a certain shape.

That’s not your personality, no. That’s what’s ontop of your personality. Your behavior, your habits, your opinions, your thoughts, your beliefs. Your personality, your inner core, stays fairly constant throughout your life. But it gets more and more layers built on top of it, starting in early childhood. Your personality is the purest when you’re a child, but then you start getting all kinds of conditioning on top, such as:

Don’t be loud, adults yell when you’re loud
Don’t run around, you get in trouble when you’re too active
We can’t get you another toy, money doesn’t grow on trees
You can’t wear that, you’re a boy
Stop crying, we’re in public

You get the idea. This is conditioning. It’s not always bad! But it’s a collection of things you learn as a child about how the world works, and more importantly - how you SHOULD BE in the world.

And the conditioning doesn’t stop there.

Good job for getting an A+!
Grandma really wants a hug, be good, give grandma a hug
You can’t be an actress, they don’t make any money
You should really try harder at football if you want to go to college
Huh, you’re wearing THAT? That’s not cool
NO one listens to that music, it’s lame and for old people!

Conditioning comes at us from all directions. Parents, grandparents, their friends, school, other kids, TV, social media, news, books, movies. You name it. We learn early on how to BE in the world if we want the best outcomes: survival, being accepted, being loved, and being the best.

And as I said, conditioning is not always bad. It’s fairly neutral in nature, simply a function of our brains that aided human evolution and survival for thousands of years. But we end up reflecting what we’ve been exposed to. The lump of clay that is your subconscious mind got formed into a certain shape by all of this conditioning from all of these sources, on top of your innate personality. This isn’t good, this isn’t bad, it simply IS.

In the previous episode, I listed the big picture steps of the Radical Redirection process, and I mentioned that step 1 is vision. Let’s make a small but important addition: step 1 is vision if we begin with a blank slate.

But we never begin with a blank slate. Everything in the world is recycled from everything else. The slate is never blank, unless you’re a newborn. And, if you’re not a newborn right now, then your subconscious is already shaped in a certain way from years of life, years of experience, years of learning, years of relationships, interactions, school, work, stimuli, triggers, events and circumstances. Your subconscious is no longer a lump of clay: it’s a pot, a vessel, a vase, a very specific vase, with a very specific shape!

So you’re not starting with a blank slate. You’re starting with what you have: your current identity, your current circumstances, and your current set of beliefs, opinions, truths.

And here’s something that can be very difficult to understand: your current identity and set of truths is NOT the full or only truth.

Your current identity and set of truths is a reflection of how your subconscious mind has been shaped over the years of your life.

This is really important. Who you currently are, and what you believe and think, is a result of your life experience up until now. But it can CHANGE. And knowing that it can all change, and knowing that YOU have the power to change it, is the gateway to everything that you want.

If your current identity, thoughts, and beliefs are a result of conditioning, then you can de-condition, unlearn, and rewire your subconscious patterns. You can create new beliefs. You can create a new you. It’s 100% possible. Our brains are built for this, for restructuring their internal neural connections throughout your life. But it has to start with “undoing.” You’ve gotta take the clay pot you have, smoosh it, and reshape it into something new before you can begin to go after your big new goals.

You’ve gotta destroy to create. Release before receiving. Shed the old skin before growing the new. To do something new, you have to be someone new, and to be someone new, you first have to let go of the old.

When I quit my job to start a business, one thing I didn’t anticipate was: just how much I would have to learn about personal growth in the process of building a business. That entire first year of business was a mess: me not knowing what I’m doing, how to get to my goals, trying all these different things, feeling bad about myself. The latter, feeling bad about myself for failing again and again, was the hardest part. 2021 was a chaotic year for me, in all areas of life, and I was looking for answers and guidance everywhere I could.

I don’t remember where I first heard this phrase, but this particular lesson helped everything else begin to make sense: “what got you here, won’t get you there.”

I use this mantra anytime I’m about to embark on something new. It’s a great reminder to me that we have to destroy in order to create. That the old paradigms don’t work in new contexts. That old ways don’t help for new goals.

This is literally how businesses scale. How big companies go from barely turning a profit to making millions. How bigger companies go from making millions to making billions. At each stage, the leaders of big businesses go, “alright, what got us here won’t get us there, let’s reinvent the process again.”

But you can do the same with yourself.

Why would you want to?

I assume you’re listening because you have big goals in life. Big dreams. Desires and wishes that perhaps you’re not even sharing with others, and perhaps barely admitting to yourself. But deep down, there’s the belief, the hope, that your life can be better. That you can have more. That there’s a future where you have what you really, truly want. That it’s possible.

And all that is EXACTLY why you would want to reinvent yourself.

If you want your wishes, desires, and dreams to come true, if you want a different life for yourself, a new vision of what’s possible, you’ll need to let go of what’s no longer serving you. Beliefs, thoughts, habits, patterns, relationships, items, opinions that were all very good and useful up until now, but now, are hindering your progress more than helping it. Because they’re keeping you in this current version of you, and don’t align with the true-er you that’s underneath.

We’ve got to find those patterns and beliefs, and rewire them. Smoosh the old clay pot and create a new one.

And… Did you know that this can feel really GOOD? It’s freeing! It’s like tossing out old jeans that are way too tight and don’t fit anymore, because you’re no longer a child. It’s like throwing out a bag full of old, musty things that you don’t use anymore and don’t look at. Letting go of beliefs and patterns feels like you can breathe easier, run faster, and laugh more. It makes you feel lighter and happier.

And in practical terms? It feels like working towards your goals twice as fast because you’re not doubting yourself every step of the way. Or choosing healthy habits with ease because you’re not tempted by old unhealthy habits. Or feeling better day-to-day because you’re not afraid of making mistakes. Or finding time for the things you love doing because you’re not guilt-ridden about taking time for yourself.

Do you know why the self-doubt is so strong when you even THINK about doing something new and different? It’s because all of your conditioning, all the beliefs, patterns, thoughts, and habits that you’ve collected over the years, FIT best with the current, unchanged version of you! It’s a better match! So of COURSE all of your mental efforts, everything you hear in your mind will try to keep things the same. Of course! That’s how you’re currently wired! For your own survival! So in order to change easier, without all the self-doubt, you gotta re-wire yourself! Rewire your thoughts and beliefs. And then change is easier.

The benefits of shedding the old are honestly endless. And this is why we begin here. Before creating a vision, before anything else - let’s do a big spring cleaning of your life and let go of everything that’s holding you back.

And what’s holding you back is everything that you’re NOT.

What are you NOT?

What parts of you… are not YOU? Beliefs, opinions, pieces of your identity that you’re carrying because someone else wanted you to carry them?

Could it be:

Overly cautious pessimism when it comes to taking risks? Better be safe than sorry!
Solidarity with your family: my mother had it hard, her mother had it hard, and my life must also be hard
Certain religious or spiritual beliefs that just don’t feel right and never sat well with you?
A mask that you’re wearing in public to cover up your true emotions?
An air of bravado and toughness over an interior that’s craving softness, ease, and femininity?
Obligated to go to all the social events when you just wish you could cocoon inside with your hobbies?
Good girl syndrome? I’ll only be accepted and loved if I’m easy to be around and do everything I’m asked to do!
Staying quiet and keeping your opinions to yourself, because they’re not as good as what others are saying?
Buying designer bags, shoes, and shirts because everyone at work shows up like that?
Or maybe wearing baggy, worn out sweatpants and hoodies because it feels like you haveto hide your body?

What parts of your life, which choices… are NOT actually yours?

Maybe it feels obvious. Like an itch. And you intuitively know that it doesn’t feel good to keep holding on to this belief, this way of being, this habit or decision you keep making on autopilot.

But maybe it’s not that clear. If it’s not entirely clear to you right away, you can ask yourself some questions to help discern the parts that are true to you from the conditioned parts:

Any time you’re saying “yes” when you wish you could say “no,” you’re acting from conditioning.
Any time you’re trying to be good at everything and not tolerating any of your own mistakes, your conditioning is calling the shots.
Any time you’re aiming to fulfill someone else’s expectations, you’re acting from conditioning.
Any time you’re brushing off your own intuition, opinions, wishes, or desires, you’re acting from conditioning. Even if it seems like the “smart” thing to do, the logical or pragmatic choice, denying your own intuition and desires is a choice made by conditioning.

But the BIGGEST thing that years of conditioning prevent us from doing is SELF-ACTUALIZATION.

Because self-actualization is all about the SELF: your unique path to prosperity. It’s about choosing to NOT live according to other people’s ideas of success.

And unfortunately, most of us, due to various forms of conditioning, do exactly that: we try to follow someone else’s template for success. We uphold societal values, we follow other people’s footsteps. And as a result, we have to mold ourselves to be the type of person who can walk someone else’s path of success. Authenticity doesn’t fit into this equation. Being “yourself” is often a hinderance in this grand plan.

I encourage you to open up your heart to consider a new possibility. What if you can be MORE you, and what if that’s the key to everything? What if there are parts of you that are yearning to see the light of day and to shine? What if it actually feels BETTER to be more authentic and true to you, rather than continue being this “safe” and socially accepted persona that you’ve created over the years?

In order for the true you to shine, you need to let go of what’s covering all of that up: the masks, the defenses, the old identities. Everything you are NOT.

So, what are you NOT? What parts are you ready and willing to let go of? Here are some examples, perhaps you’ll see yourself in these.

Is it time to admit that you don’t enjoy climbing the corporate ladder? But that’s the road to success, right? That’s what everyone said: get a good job in a big company and outshine everyone until you’re at the top. And you know what, for some people that might be right. But is it right for you?
Is it time to say, heck, I’m really not the drinking type! All this social drinking from Wednesday to Sunday is actually NOT very fun. It might have been in the past. It might have been great, and maybe you met some fun folks as a result. But right now, maybe it’s an obligation and a habit more than an enjoyable time. Maybe it’s not something you want to keep in your life anymore.
Is it time to let go of the pressure to save, save, save all your money so you can buy a house? Maybe you don’t even want a house! Maybe you’ve been daydreaming about van life for years! Or traveling the world. But you were smart your whole life, everyone always said, “she’s so smart, she’ll be so successful,” and the next best “smart” thing to do is to buy a house…
Or maybe it’s something else.

What else? What else is it time to let go of?

Maybe it’s how you see yourself. Or rather: how others have been seeing you, their perception of you, “but if other people say this is how I am, then it must be true, right?” And we forget that no one knows us the way we know ourselves. And moreover, that we, individually, get to decide who we are and what’s true.

Here are some things you might’ve been thinking you are up until now, based on what other people say, but in reality you might NOT actually be:

A needy person
A weak person
An independent, “I don’t need anyone’s help” lone wolf
A bad singer (or bad artist, or bad anything)
A good girl (or good boy)
Someone who fits into a certain box
Someone who cannot succeed
Someone who has to be everyone’s friend
Someone who never takes risks

What else?

Maybe it’s your profession! For so many of us, our jobs become our identity, and we start saying and thinking: “I’m a software engineer.” “I’m a chiropractor.” “I’m a defense atturney” - like that’s IT, like that’s all you could ever be.

What if you’re actually NOT those things? What if that’s what was modeled to you as success, as a good life path to pursue? Maybe your parents were doctors, or your family friends were lawyers, and copying their success template was always touted as the smartest thing to do.

Or maybe it’s less quantifiable - maybe you’re used to fitting in in a certain way, but actually yearn to be different. Maybe it feels like: “well, everyone around me has a 9-5 job, so I should, too.” Or: ”everyone else around me is trying to live their best life, wake up early, hit the gym, drink their protein shake, put in 10 hours of work, have a social life AND ambitious personal goals on weekends, and so I need to measure up to this and try my best to live like this, too.” It’s the model of a good life, after all. It’s coming at us from all angles. Social media influencers, TV shows, movies, coworkers. It’s not bad - but it IS conditioning you to be a certain way. A certain way that may not be your true way.

The goal of this episode is to help you start to de-condition. Remove the outer conditioning from your inner core, the core that was there since you were born. De-conditioning is a process, and we can’t expect to really ever be done with it. But the more we de-condition, the more we reveal our true nature. The more we remove the old, outdated, ill-fitting layers that cover up our inner core.

I encourage you to get curious. Start noticing in your life, where can you shed some outdated conditioning? Which stories no longer appeal? What narratives have stuck too hard and overstayed their welcome? What beliefs no longer serve your highest good? What phrases or thoughts hold you back?

I’m bad at speaking in public
I can’t write
I can’t go back to school for a different degree, that means my current degree is a waste
I must stay in the same job for years, it’s the safe thing to do
I’ve always lived in this town, I can’t just up and go somewhere else
I’ve been in this relationship for years, I can’t imagine being single
I need to act professional
I need to look professional
I need to have my hair perfectly done a certain way every day

Start slow. Start easy. No need to overhaul your entire life right now, all at once. Simply start to notice. Which pieces are chipping off? What’s ready to be released? What feels like too tight of a box to keep sitting in?

This can be exciting, liberating, exhilarating, but it can also be really scary. It can also be both. Any and all of it is fine. Taking steps, even small steps, towards your true souls’ path feels good - it feels satisfying, fulfilling, exciting, freeing. But letting go of old ways is difficult for the subconscious to accept. When we even think of abandoning an old, familiar way of living, our nervous system sees that as a risk, as a big unknown, and sends the signal to cue anxiety, fears, doubts, and resistance. That’s all very, very normal. But it doesn’t mean you need to believe all the scary stories your subconscious will make up to keep you safe. We’ll talk about this in depth in future episodes!

For now, simply start to notice. What are you ready to shed, AND how does it feel to consider shedding this old part of you. You don’t even have to DO anything yet! Just think about it. Think about what could be possible if you released an old, unhelpful paradigm. What would be possible if you didn’t have to do a 9-5? What would be possible if you didn’t have to be good, professional, and put together all the time? What would be possible if you’re actually GOOD at the things that have been off-limits all this time?

Awareness is always step one. For now, simply identify what you’ve outgrown. Journal about it. (There are some journal prompts to help you in the description of this episode!) You don’t have to let it go just yet! If you’re not ready, or not sure, simply notice. Ask yourself questions. Mull it over.

Give yourself PERMISSION to SEE the parts that you’ve outgrown, to thank them for being with you all this time.

Introducing this idea to your subconscious opens up possibilities. It opens new doors, doors towards new ways of being. Somewhere among those new ways of being is your true soul’s path. There’s no rush. But opening up these possibilities gets you one step closer.

Before any action, we set an intention. A great intention for now could be: “I’m open to seeing which parts of my life and identity I’ve outgrown, which parts no longer serve me. I’m allowing myself to let go of them when I’m ready.”

That’s it. You get to decide the speed at which you go.

Later, in a little bit, we’ll address what you actually ARE. If these are the things you’re not, then what things, qualities, and aspects ARE you? Maybe you LOVE sparkly clothes and big bright earrings and it’s time to own that. Maybe you’re a surfer and you MUST be in water every day to feel good. We’ll tackle this in the future episode titled “Identity”. Uncovering your true self, what makes you who you are, can be really, really fun, and we cannot set goals without knowing this.

And, one last thing I want to say: you don’t have to do this alone. Often, other people can help, and often without even realizing it!

In my first year working at Pixar, around the holiday season, I decorated my cubicle with a mini tree, and Christmas lights, and all kinds of other festive decor, I’d listen to holiday jazz and sip cinnamon coffee, I loved the whole vibe. And then, in January, I was taking it all down when a friend of mine stopped by to chat (something work-related, I don’t remember). And he saw me take down my decorations, and saw my disappointment, and simply said: “just leave the Christmas lights! Year round! Why not? They’re so you. Your cubicle stands out in the middle of the hallway with them on.”

Such a simple comment, but it was PERMISSION for me to be me. I LOVE twinkly lights. It’s SO my personality - bright, shiny, making people warm on the inside, I LOVE that. And this friend basically just said: you’re allowed to express yourself in this way! Why not? And I was the cubicle with the year-round Christmas lights. Folks who worked on the other side of the building got to know me that way.

People who truly SEE us for who we are, see THROUGH us to our core - shine a big light on our soul. The soul likes that. Being seen. Appreciated.

So my last thing for you today: notice who in your life encourages you to shine. Who sees through to your core. Who sees parts of you that even you don’t often notice. These people are your people. The ones who see your true essence and encourage you to express it.

And this is a big part of my work. In my coaching sessions, a huge part is shining a light on everything that someone is. All their excellent qualities, everything that makes them, them. If you ever need help with any part of this process, anything that I’m talking about on this podcast - reach out! I’d love to chat and see how I can help. We can work together inside my signature program, or I also have single sessions, for anything that you’re stuck on. DM me or email me (the links are in the show notes), and let’s chat about what’s possible for you.

Woof, that was a lot! Was that a lot? I want to hear from you! What’s clicking? Did you have an “a-ha” moment, or two, or five? What’s still confusing, where are you stuck? I want to hear from you, because if you have a question, that means a hundred other people do, too, and I want to answer it.

And - I’ll see you next week on the next episode of Radical Redirection!

RR Podcast Ep 4: Reinventing Yourself: Let Go of the Old, the Unhelpful, and the Untrue

~ episode SUMMARY ~

~ episode transcript ~

Grab it here! >>

RR Podcast Ep 4: Reinventing Yourself: Let Go of the Old, the Unhelpful, and the Untrue

~ episode SUMMARY ~

~ episode transcript ~

Grab it here! >>

What does it take to find your purpose?

RR Podcast Ep 3: Midlife Crisis and Meaning of Life